But, inside I am smiling
by PHAOE
Summary: Response to Insanity 101 challenge


this is a one-shot in response to Insanity 101's challenge, which is due tomorrow. (well, in a few hours...) i guess i still haven't learned not to procrastinate...

i only own my ideas.

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But, inside I am smiling  
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I hadn't meant to laugh.

And although I had clapped my hands over my mouth, it hadn't been in time to stop it. Not completely at least.

Wide-eyed, hands continueing to cover my stilled mouth, I look up to my friends faces: I can see, as well as feel their shock.

His most of all.

"Dude. Did you just...?" Beastboy's voice, for once, is actually hushed; too surprised to shout.

"I need to go meditate." I snap at them, and almost immediately I feel my team relax: This is familiar.

I stand up and pull my cloak tightly around my body. I try not to look at Him as I leave the  
room.

The moment I am out of the door, I can hear another round of jokes getting started.  
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I have lied to my friends.

My thoughts are in chaos and my mind is troubled, but I know that I can not meditate myself away from this.

And I am not even sure that I want to.  
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I have made my way to our roof; which, in the past three weeks, has become my sanctuary. The place that I find myself fleeing to again and again when I start to slip up. When I start to show and feel more than I should. And I always run before I reveal too much.

I have been retreating here for three weeks now, and it has taken me nearly that long to figure out why.

To figure out the thoughts and feelings that are plagueing. To make sense of this internal war that my body and mind are raging against my nature. And then, at some point, I realized that my heart was caught up in this battle as well.

And then I knew.

And I hated my heart for it.

Him of all people.

Every since He had entered my life I had not known a moment of peace: Noise and havoc seemed to follow in his footsteps, dirt was his friend and he held hands with vulgarity.

But, at some point, and I don't know when it started, I stopped noticing these annoyances. I learned to tune out the bodily noises he made. I looked over the messes he left in his path. And although I hid it, inside I laughed at his jokes.

Hid it. Until tonight that is.

And what I have always been most affraid of, the thing that has worried at me and kept me awake at night was true: I love. And I like it.  
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And so I stand here, gazing out over the dark water. Trying to keep my thoughts from Him, but unable to stop my mind from returning again and again to that forbidden territory. So deep are my thoughts, that I do not even hear Him approach until he speaks.

"Nothing exploded."

I do not turn and I do not answer.

"Isn't that what you've always been affraid of?"

"What's that?" My tone bites.

"That you would feel emotion and because of that, something would explode." He seems to be doggedly determined to have this conversation, dispite my harshness.

Again I do not answer him. My thoughts are once again running deep. 

My friends know me well, but they have always been wrong about one thing about me: I do feel.

When it comes to them, I feel everything. I share every emotion with them and every pain that comes with it. I laugh along with them when they are able to act their ages and be silly. I cry for every wound that is inflicted on their precious bodies. I share their pride of our job and when we do it well.

Yes, I feel; just not on the outside.

"You should just let yourself go."

"Easy for you to say." I tell him and my voice sounds bitter to my ears, rightfully so; laughter seems to come so easily for him. But, he surprises me.

"No. I had to learn to let go, too. It was easy to be mad at my life, at my parents. But sometimes, the easy way is not the best."

I finally turn to face him. I think my mouth is slightly open in amazement.

His faces breaks into that sweet grin that fits him so well. "Besides, what's the worst that could happen?"

After a moment I find my voice again and it comes out as a whisper, "Why?"

He reaches forward and strokes my cheek softly with the tips of his fingers and I can smell the musky scent that is uniquely his.

"Becuse you have the most beautiful laugh." He tells me, his voice just as soft as mine had been.

We stand like this for another moment before he pulls his hand back to his side, and turns from me, slowly walking back inside.

Worst thing indeed, I wonder.  
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And on another night, when he makes another joke for the team, I throw caution to the wind. I take his advise and I let go, finally.

I laugh, and this time my hands clap not over my mouth, but over my stomach.

As I look up at my team I again feel their surprise; but with the shock, I also see their pleasure. And it is a wonderful feeling.

I meet Beastboy's eyes and together we laugh.  
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extra special thank you to Insanity 101 for letting me jump on your band wagon. this was a really challenging challenge.

as to why i picked a beastboy/raven pairing, well, quite frankly, i really can not stand this couple (although cyborg/raven would be a close second, i think. come to think of it, i don't really like the beastboy/starfire pairing either... or the cyborg/starfire...). it seems to me that these two are just to different from each other. beastboy is so full of light that he needs someone who can love his silliness, and i think raven would actually deflate beastboy. i don't mind the whole robin/starfire as much because i kind of see that pairing as a young puppy love; something that they will grow out of.

all that said, i want to add that i would never flame any author or any person for the pairing of their choice. we all have opinions, and i will never shove any of mine onto anyone.

i want to apologize for any spelling or punctuation errors; i am on vacation, staying at a friend's house who has a mac and no writing software (frustrating to say the least). so if you spot any mistakes, feel free to rub my nose in them.

-SKWRUS PHAOE 


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